How do we challenge each other to become the best version of ourselves?
Safe space, pleasant atmosphere, fun, and play
Before going further, we start with a few principles that allow us to create a positive experience for everyone. Challenging each other to become the best version of ourselves works best when we adhere to these principles:
- Safety: We create a safe space, which means:
- We aim to make everyone feel that they can be who they really are without being judged
- We agree that anything shared in the meeting is private and is not to be mentioned outside the group
- No pressure, explicit or implicit, is ever put on anyone to do anything – actions are always based on a voluntary choice
- Pleasant: We create a space that is pleasant for us, with a clean and aesthetic environment, possibly some nice background music that everyone is comfortable with, and any other physical arrangements that support our process. We make sure to be extra friendly to each other, to elevate our good feelings.
- Fun: Our approach to challenging each other is not a serious “we have to do it”, stern “touch love” approach, but rather a fun and lighthearted approach, full of joy and laughter. We believe that this works much better.
- Play: Kids (as well as young mammals) LOVE to play, as this makes an experience fun and engaging, and a better learning experience. So we turn our challenges to games that we enjoy playing – more on that below.
Ambitious goals
We know from experience that every person is capable of more, sometimes a lot more, than what they are currently accomplishing according to their own set of values and abilities. So we help each other set ambitious goals. These do not have to be enormous grandiose goals, it’s enough that the goal is slightly more than you currently achieve or think you can achieve (if it’s not challenging enough, you may get bored, and if it’s too challenging, you may get anxious).
Gamification
One way you can act in order to achieve your goals is to “take it seriously” and “commit” to doing actions, and the forcing yourself to do them. This is not our approach, because we believe that sheer willpower cannot carry you forward very far. Instead, we make everything into a game, thus increasing our level of excitement.
To do so, we can introduce measurements and points. E.g. you can count the number and duration of times you do some action that helps you with your goal, such as the number of times per week you organize your room, or the number of minutes per week that you do physical exercise. Or you can decide on how much you plan to do by certain milestone dates. If you set yourself such measurable aims, share them with the group, and report how much you actually did, that can increase your motivation and desire for acting.
An enhancement of this idea is to employ friendly competitions where you need to score higher than others to get a prize. The important thing is not “winning vs losing” but amicably elevating each other’s innate drive for success, just like chess players and basketball players can elevate each other’s skills by continuously playing against each other.
An even more enticing enhancement is when the competition is not between individuals but between small groups of individuals. E.g. you get paired with a friend, and both of you compete against another pair, e.g. to help each other achieve certain scores on physical exercises. Knowing that you are helping your friend do more so that both of you score more than your competitors is a terrific driving force.
There are many other ways, and we keep experimenting to find more.
Accountability
Setting ambitious goals is nice, but the important thing is to actually act to make progress towards these goals. So we help each other by checking in to see whether a person followed up on what they said they would do. If they didn’t, we don’t judge them or scold them for that, of course, but rather we investigate together what were the obstacles that prevented them from acting (be it emotional reasons, unrealistic planning, or unexpected hurdles that appeared), and help them revise their plan so that they are brought back on track. Importantly, it is much easier to adhere to our plans when we tell others what we plan to do and know they will check whether we did it than it is to try to stick to our plans alone when no one knows about them.
Celebration
Another aspect that is more difficult to do alone and easier to do with the support of a group is to celebrate the times when we actually do what we said we would do. Alone it is easy to dismiss this step and underestimate our achievements, but together it’s fun and meaningful to congratulate someone for acting and making progress. It’s also inspiring to be surrounded with people who want to improve themselves and who share their victories and struggles openly.
Stepping out of your comfort zone
Your comfort zone includes all the things that are easy for you to do. Outside your comfort zone lie all the things that are uncomfortable or difficult for you to do, which may raise feelings such as fear, stress, restlessness, shame. We challenge each other to explore the border of our comfort zone, and design experiences and experiments where we step a little beyond the border in a way which may make you feel a bit uneasy on the one hand but also feel exhilaration and aliveness on the other hand. Classic examples are overcoming stage fear by giving a talk in front of a gradually larger audience, and overcoming the fear of rejection by starting to talk to someone in a public place.
Openness and letting go of shame and guilt
Our society, family, friends, and school teach us to feel shame and guilt about certain topics in a way that hinders our self development and open communication, hence causing problems in our relationships with ourselves and others. In a safe environment, we encourage each other to gradually let go of unproductive shame and guilt by appreciating the power of vulnerability and opening up to share more of our secrets. By doing so, we let go of old burdens and open up ourselves to new and exciting possibilities we never even considered as possible for us.
Re-examining social norms
What are the social norms that exist in our society? For example: you have to get married and start a family, you have to go to the army, you have to be circumcised, how men and women are supposed to behave. What other norms and prohibitions exist around us and affect us?
Have you ever stopped and independently examined the social norms that you have absorbed unquestioningly from your surroundings? Have you asked yourself: Does it fit my personality and my values? What other options are there? What is happening in other parts of the world and in other cultures?
We believe that each person is the only legitimate authority for their choices, decisions, and actions, rather than cultural norms, social pressure, or tradition. We challenge each other to examine all the things that others told us, by using independent and critical thinking. To take nothing for granted and to question common truths. Not to do something just because that’s what everyone else is doing or what others expect of us. We also help each other deal with the fears of acting contrary to what is accepted in society, and what to do with the stigmas that may arise from the ignorance of others.